Heard at an accounting support group: “It seemed so harmless. I started making journal entries..then, secretly at home, I would post the entries to T accounts, and then I started recording them in ledgers. It just felt so good, and then I started doing financial statements and I couldn’t stop…”

Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong – the usual stuff – and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “blame me!” He does this and gets off the hook.

Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says “Write two envelopes”.

This happens again and again. Finally, the bartender asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is. “Well,” said one of them, “we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!”

“And that’s a big deal?” asked the barkeep.

“You bet,” said the same accountant, “the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all Three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money!

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants buy no tickets at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed engineer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an accountant.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “ticket please.”

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, Tony and Carlos asked Jon how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these awful women. Jon replied “I have no idea, and I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, ‘Damn income taxes!’”

A final year accounting student sees his buddy ride past on a new bicycle. So he stops his friend and quizzes him about the origin of the bike.”The funniest thing happened the other day”, the friend begins, “this first year student is pushing her bike past me, when suddenly she stops, takes off all her clothes and tells me to take what I want!!!!” To which the first student replies, “Good choice, the clothes wouldn’t have fitted anyway!!”.

OMG!

1. To open a consulting practice.
2. What else does an accountant do for fun?
3. To count the chickens.
4. Because the lawyers were on the first side.
5. It was April 15th and the bar was on the other side.
6. So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
7. The client told him to.
8. Because that’s what was done in the prior year.
9. To bore the people on the other side.
10. Because he just broke GAAS on the first side.

The Attorney asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’ The Tax Accountant doesn’t say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Attorney. Now, it’s the Tax Accountant’s turn. He asks the Attorney: ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The Attorney looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Tax Accountant and hands him $50. The Tax Accountant politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Attorney, more that a little miffed, shakes the Tax Accountant and asks, ‘Well, so what IS the answer?’ Without a word, the Tax Accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the Attorney $5 and goes back to sleep.

A:  Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don’t have the balls!

“Tell me, what is seven multiplied by three?”

The accountant thinks fast and tells “22.”

Once the interview is over the accountant goes out, takes out the calculator and finds the answer – 21, disappointed, he goes home. Next morning he gets a call from the CEO, “Hey, you got a job.”

The accountant is pleasantly surprised. He cannot but ask, “Thank you very much for the job but what about seven multiplied by three?” The CEO tells him – “of all the candidates we interviewed, you came the closest.”

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”

His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try it”. After the laughter had died down the chef said ,”OK”. He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and one by one 6 drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd erupted into cheering, the chef paid the $1,000.00 and asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a builder’s laborer or what?”

He adjusted his glasses on his nose and said, “I work for the Tax Department”.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.

“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”

St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!

“What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter

“Public Practitioner,” is the reply.

“Name?”

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” says St Peter.

“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too young to go. I’m only forty-eight”

“No, that’s impossible. “

“Why do you say that?”

“Well we’ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning you’re at least ninety three.”

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional.  The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands.  He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully.  He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.   Turning to other two accountants, he says – “Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough.”
The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands.  He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.  He turns and says – “Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient.”
The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door.  “Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands.”