At Work


An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.

Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong – the usual stuff – and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “blame me!” He does this and gets off the hook.

Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says “Write two envelopes”.

A doctor a Minister, a Lawyer, and an Accountant are friends. The lawyer finds out he is dying of cancer and gives each of his friends an envelope full of money. He tells them he can’t stand the thought of being without it so at his funeral would they each place the money in the coffin. They all agree. At the funeral they wait until everyone else has viewed the body and each goes up one at a time. The Doctor places the thick envelope in the coffin, then the minister places his thick envelope in the coffin. Finally the accountant places his small envelope in the coffin. After the funeral the Doctor and Minister ask the accountant what happened, for he had agreed to put the money in the coffin. The accountant said, ” But my lawyer has always taken a personal check!”

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his days work.After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:”Debits in the column toward t he file cabinet.Credits in the column toward the window.”

Alternate

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Tony died and was sent to be judged. He was told that he had cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, Tony and Carlos asked Jon how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these awful women. Jon replied “I have no idea, and I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, ‘Damn income taxes!'”

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