Heard at an accounting support group: “It seemed so harmless. I started making journal entries..then, secretly at home, I would post the entries to T accounts, and then I started recording them in ledgers. It just felt so good, and then I started doing financial statements and I couldn’t stop…”

 

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant. “Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.” “How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant. “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”. The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?” To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.

Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong – the usual stuff – and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “blame me!” He does this and gets off the hook.

Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says “Write two envelopes”.

chambers-accountant

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

tax cut

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. “So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”
“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us.”
“Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?”
“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.”
“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?”
The rabbi, wearily, replies, “We send them to the city as well.”
“To the city!? And what do they send to you?”
“Today they have sent you to us.”