they too have time to laugh

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. “This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?” “One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” “I ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant. “Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.” “How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant. “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”. The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?” To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”

An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.

Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong – the usual stuff – and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “blame me!” He does this and gets off the hook.

Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says “Write two envelopes”.

Three accountants walk into a bar, and each orders a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: “Here’s to 59!” After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: “Here’s to 59!”

This happens again and again. Finally, the bartender asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is. “Well,” said one of them, “we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!”

“And that’s a big deal?” asked the barkeep.

“You bet,” said the same accountant, “the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!”

A doctor a Minister, a Lawyer, and an Accountant are friends. The lawyer finds out he is dying of cancer and gives each of his friends an envelope full of money. He tells them he can’t stand the thought of being without it so at his funeral would they each place the money in the coffin. They all agree. At the funeral they wait until everyone else has viewed the body and each goes up one at a time. The Doctor places the thick envelope in the coffin, then the minister places his thick envelope in the coffin. Finally the accountant places his small envelope in the coffin. After the funeral the Doctor and Minister ask the accountant what happened, for he had agreed to put the money in the coffin. The accountant said, ” But my lawyer has always taken a personal check!”

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an accountant joke?”The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that Im 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and Im an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 62” tall, 225 pounds, and hes an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”The first guy says, “No, I dont want to have to explain it two times.”

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his days work.After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:”Debits in the column toward t he file cabinet.Credits in the column toward the window.”

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.”You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.””Great,” says the audit partner. “Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of wine and leave me there for ever.”Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.”Now me,” says the tax partner. “Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever.”Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.The genie turns to the senior partner. “And what do you want?””I want those two ba ck in the office straight after lunch.”

They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all Three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money!

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants buy no tickets at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed engineer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an accountant.

When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “ticket please.”

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.