Making her sleep

If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
“Darling, could you tell me about your work.”

 

Oh Brother!

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books. The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.

Hitman: where is the money?

Accountant signs he does not know

Brother: he said he does not know

Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!

Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.

Hitman: what did he say?

Brother: you don’t have the balls!

 

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

 

Leftovers

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. “So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”
“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us.”
“Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?”
“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.”
“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?”
The rabbi, wearily, replies, “We send them to the city as well.”
“To the city!? And what do they send to you?”
“Today they have sent you to us.”

 

The Martian

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage, and burn. The Martian goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says “I’m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the solar system. We’re here to destroy your civilization, pillage, and burn. What do you think of that?’ The owner replies “I cannot express an opinion based on a hearsay evidence, I am a Chartered Accountant”

 

Acounting Your Deeds

Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?” “Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

 

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

 

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”

 

Auditor vs. Pilot

An auditor is hard at work, auditing an airline. The auditor cannot understand an excess fuel consumption on a Detroit to Erie route, for flight no. 420. The auditor calls the pilot and demands an explanation. The pilot replies “It was a late night, snow storm was raging, and I lost my bearings.” The auditor demands a statement, “for what?” the pilot asks. The auditor tells him “for lost bearings.”

 

Newton’s Laws of Accounting

1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong.

 

Nickel and Dime

There was an expert accountant who was well versed in the game theory. He once hears that his intelligent niece, who is five years old, always takes a nickel, when a choice between a nickel and a dime is offered. He explains to his niece “You must understand, dime is twice as valuable as a nickel, so always choose a dime.” The niece tells “Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money.”

 

Missing Accountant

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”

 

An Accountant’s Heart

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, “Can I help? Have you lost something?” “No,” says one of the doctors. “We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

 

The Tax Accountant

A local restaurant was so sure its massive Sumo chef was the strongest man around, they had a standing $1,000.00 offer that the chef would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out of the lemon would walk away with the money. Many people had tried, including weight lifters and longshoremen, but nobody could do it.

 

One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try it”. After the laughter had died down the chef said ,”OK”. He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and one by one 6 drops fell into the glass.

 

As the crowd erupted into cheering, the chef paid the $1,000.00 and asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a builder’s laborer or what?”

 

He adjusted his glasses on his nose and said, “I work for the Tax Department”.

 

Time Sheets

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.”

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.

“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know what you mean. I’m only 40.”

St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!

 

Wheelborrows

An auditor is hard at work auditing a manufacturing plant.  He spots one worker at the end of the shift, that worker is always carrying a wheelbarrow covered with an opaque cloth.  The auditor is certain something is fishy.   He asks the security to check the wheelbarrow.  Many surprise checks, security finds nothing.  On the last day of the audit the auditor goes to the worker and asks, “Alright, I give up.  I know you are taking something.  I cannot prove it .   I do not want to pursue it.  I just want to know.  What are you stealing?”  The worker replies, “Wheelbarrows.”

 

Ethics

A partner is discussing ethics policy with the staff accountant.  He says “We take ethics very seriously around here.  Remember, we are professionals not businessmen.”  The young staff accountant is impressed.   The partner elaborates “Yesterday I received a check from a client.  It paid $5,000 more than our bill.  Immediately an ethical question arose, shall I tell it to other partners?”

 

Underlying Assumptions

One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical “underlying assumptions” in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, “What would Economics be without assumptions?” He thought for a moment, then replied, “Accounting.”

 

Charging the Clients

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

 

“What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter

 

“Public Practitioner,” is the reply.

 

“Name?”

 

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

 

“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” says St Peter.

 

“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too young to go. I’m only forty-eight”

 

“No, that’s impossible. ”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“Well we’ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning you’re at least ninety three.”

 

An Accountant’s Life

Accountant’s Life:
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.
For since he hadn’t ever lived, they claimed he never died.

 

Accountants vs. Accountants

 

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional.  The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands.  He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully.  He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.   Turning to other two accountants, he says – “Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough.”
The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands.  He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.  He turns and says – “Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient.”
The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door.  “Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands.”

 

Counting Sheep

An auditor is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.  “Doctor, I just can’t get sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend many hours trying to find it.”