August 20, 2009
Heard at an accounting support group: “It seemed so harmless. I started making journal entries..then, secretly at home, I would post the entries to T accounts, and then I started recording them in ledgers. It just felt so good, and then I started doing financial statements and I couldn’t stop…”
July 11, 2009
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. “This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?” “One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” “I ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”
July 10, 2009
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.” “Why does that parrot cost so much?” asks the accountant. “Well,” replies the owner, “it knows how to do complex audits.” “How much does the middle parrot cost?” asks the accountant. “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts”. The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?” To which the owner replies “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
July 9, 2009
An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.
Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong – the usual stuff – and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “blame me!” He does this and gets off the hook.
Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says “Write two envelopes”.
July 9, 2009
A doctor a Minister, a Lawyer, and an Accountant are friends. The lawyer finds out he is dying of cancer and gives each of his friends an envelope full of money. He tells them he can’t stand the thought of being without it so at his funeral would they each place the money in the coffin. They all agree. At the funeral they wait until everyone else has viewed the body and each goes up one at a time. The Doctor places the thick envelope in the coffin, then the minister places his thick envelope in the coffin. Finally the accountant places his small envelope in the coffin. After the funeral the Doctor and Minister ask the accountant what happened, for he had agreed to put the money in the coffin. The accountant said, ” But my lawyer has always taken a personal check!”
July 9, 2009
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”
July 7, 2009
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, “Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?”
July 5, 2009
Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.”You know the deal,” says the genie. “Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.””Great,” says the audit partner. “Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of wine and leave me there for ever.”Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.”Now me,” says the tax partner. “Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever.”Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone.The genie turns to the senior partner. “And what do you want?””I want those two ba ck in the office straight after lunch.”
July 3, 2009
They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all Three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money!
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants buy no tickets at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed engineer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an accountant.
When they board the train the three engineers cram into a restroom and the three accountants cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “ticket please.”
June 30, 2009
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes.
9. You get all excited it’s Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.
3. Ask your friends to “think out of box” when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.
June 24, 2009
Tony died and was sent to be judged. He was told that he had cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, Tony and Carlos asked Jon how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these awful women. Jon replied “I have no idea, and I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, ‘Damn income taxes!'”
June 22, 2009
How many auditors does it take to find a Php1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.
June 18, 2009
Thought you guys might appreciate this one :
A final year accounting student sees his buddy ride past on a new bicycle. So he stops his friend and quizzes him about the origin of the bike.”The funniest thing happened the other day”, the friend begins, “this first year student is pushing her bike past me, when suddenly she stops, takes off all her clothes and tells me to take what I want!!!!” To which the first student replies, “Good choice, the clothes wouldn’t have fitted anyway!!”.
OMG!
June 9, 2009
A lawyer, a doctor and an accountant are all applying to join the FBI. The have passed all tests but the final one. All three are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The lawyer is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Next the doctor is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The doctor goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. He lifts the blindfold and sees its his wife. He leaves the room saying he could not shoot her. The doctor is told he failed the test and can not become an FBI agent. Finally the accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging. Finally the accountant comes out and says, “someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death.”
June 5, 2009
An Attorney and an Tax Accountant are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Attorney leans over to the Tax Accountant and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Tax Accountant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Attorney persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains ‘I ask you a question , and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.’ Again, the Tax Accountant politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Attorney, now somewhat agitated, says ‘OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!’This catches the Tax Accountant’s complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Attorney asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’ The Tax Accountant doesn’t say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Attorney. Now, it’s the Tax Accountant’s turn. He asks the Attorney: ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The Attorney looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the Tax Accountant and hands him $50. The Tax Accountant politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Attorney, more that a little miffed, shakes the Tax Accountant and asks, ‘Well, so what IS the answer?’ Without a word, the Tax Accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the Attorney $5 and goes back to sleep.
June 2, 2009
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” says the man, “but mainly I m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.” “How do you mean?” says the accountant. “I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters.” “OK,” says the accountant. “How much are you offering?” “You can start on seventy-five thousand,” says the owner. “Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?” “That,” says the man, “is your first worry.”
May 28, 2009
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant…even if he wanted to be one?”
May 27, 2009
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two’s hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, “What is this?” to which accountant number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”
May 20, 2009
This nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter’s gate. St Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks: Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life? Well says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also. St Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?” The accountant replies “About five minutes ago”.
May 13, 2009
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: “He’s such a sensitive child. Let’s wait until he’s older before we tell him you re an accountant.”
April 2, 2009
March 21, 2009
When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
March 18, 2009
A job interview is in progress, a bright and experienced accountant is interviewing for a position of a CFO. He is being interviewed by the members of board of directors and a CEO. During the interview the CEO suddenly asks:
“Tell me, what is seven multiplied by three?”
The accountant thinks fast and tells “22.”
Once the interview is over the accountant goes out, takes out the calculator and finds the answer – 21, disappointed, he goes home. Next morning he gets a call from the CEO, “Hey, you got a job.”
The accountant is pleasantly surprised. He cannot but ask, “Thank you very much for the job but what about seven multiplied by three?” The CEO tells him – “of all the candidates we interviewed, you came the closest.”
February 21, 2009
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. “So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”
“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us.”
“Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?”
“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.”
“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?”
The rabbi, wearily, replies, “We send them to the city as well.”
“To the city!? And what do they send to you?”
“Today they have sent you to us.”
January 21, 2009
His personality.
December 12, 2008
Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?” “Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.
Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”
The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”
December 12, 2008
An auditor is hard at work, auditing an airline. The auditor cannot understand an excess fuel consumption on a Detroit to Erie route, for flight no. 420. The auditor calls the pilot and demands an explanation. The pilot replies “It was a late night, snow storm was raging, and I lost my bearings.” The auditor demands a statement, “for what?” the pilot asks. The auditor tells him “for lost bearings.”
November 25, 2008
There was an expert accountant who was well versed in the game theory. He once hears that his intelligent niece, who is five years old, always takes a nickel, when a choice between a nickel and a dime is offered. He explains to his niece “You must understand, dime is twice as valuable as a nickel, so always choose a dime.” The niece tells “Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money.”
November 24, 2008
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
November 8, 2008
A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, “Can I help? Have you lost something?” “No,” says one of the doctors. “We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”
September 21, 2008
An auditor is hard at work auditing a manufacturing plant. He spots one worker at the end of the shift, that worker is always carrying a wheelbarrow covered with an opaque cloth. The auditor is certain something is fishy. He asks the security to check the wheelbarrow. Many surprise checks, security finds nothing. On the last day of the audit the auditor goes to the worker and asks, “Alright, I give up. I know you are taking something. I cannot prove it . I do not want to pursue it. I just want to know. What are you stealing?” The worker replies, “Wheelbarrows.”
September 9, 2008
A partner is discussing ethics policy with the staff accountant. He says “We take ethics very seriously around here. Remember, we are professionals not businessmen.” The young staff accountant is impressed. The partner elaborates “Yesterday I received a check from a client. It paid $5,000 more than our bill. Immediately an ethical question arose, shall I tell it to other partners?”
September 2, 2008
An Indian Accountant’s Theory of Reincarnation – if you are a good accountant, virtuous accountant, then you are reborn as an engineer. But if you are evil, wicked accountant, you are reborn as a psychologist.
August 21, 2008
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
August 7, 2008
He learns to act his wage.
August 5, 2008
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.
“What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter
“Public Practitioner,” is the reply.
“Name?”
He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.
“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” says St Peter.
“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too young to go. I’m only forty-eight”
“No, that’s impossible. ”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well we’ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning you’re at least ninety three.”
July 21, 2008
A science graduate asks, “Why does it work?” An engineering graduate asks, “How does it work?” An accounting graduate asks, “How much it costs?” A humanity graduate asks, “Do you want fries with that, Sir?”
July 5, 2008
Accountant’s Life:
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.
For since he hadn’t ever lived, they claimed he never died.
June 28, 2008
Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to other two accountants, he says – “Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough.”
The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says – “Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient.”
The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. “Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands.”
June 17, 2008
A man lands on a hot air balloon in the middle of the desert, not knowing his whereabouts he looks around. Along walks another guy so the balloon man asks “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” “Sure” says the other one “longitude 23’45”, latitude 34’12”. “Oh,” says the balloon man, “you must be accountant” “As a matter of fact, I am, how did you know?” “Well, you just gave me a very precise piece of worthless information.” ” I see” says the accountant “and you must be a consultant.” “You are right, how did you know?” “As long as you’re up in the air, you seem to know where you’re going, but as soon as you get down to earth, you’re lost.”
they too have time to laugh 